The Lonely Hearts Club – Part One

Yesterday was the day that all singles fear and all couples (mostly women) adore, Valentine’s Day. A stupid dumb stupid stupid Hallmark holiday designed to make people spend money on worthless trinkets as a sign of affection. That being said, I GOT SOME BOOTY!

It started off as a typical workday at the store, with the exception that there were more women than normal in the store. It seemed like they were primarily buying gifts for the guys’ in their lives. On the flipside, there were fewer men than normal. I guess women have less interest in comics and vinyl records than men, but if you find one of those women, you lock them down. You lockdown a girl like Nico.

 [End of workday]

Nico: Hey Nick, doing anything good tonight for VD?

Me: VD? As in venereal disease or Valentine’s Day? Either way, I got a big ole bag of nuthin’.

Nico: Aw. That sucks. But on the bright side, I’m going to let you drive me home.

Me:  LOL. Way to just tell me what I am doing. What happened to your car?

Nico: Engine died. I’ve been borrowing my parents’ cars, but they are out doing Valentine’s Day crap tonight.

Me: Well then, of course you can have a ride, but I have one rule: No playing with my radio.

Nico: Play your cards right on the way home and I’ll play with more than your radio.

Me: *Jaw dropped*

And with that we hopped in the car. I punched Nico’s address into the GPS and DAMNIT SHE’S PLAYING WITH THE RADIO! I admit to being a bit of a Music Nazi, but it’s to be expected from someone who works in store moderately focused around music.  Nico put on Rancid, which… okay… good call. She was singing along and I watched quietly while her lips and lip piercing quivered just so slightly when hitting certain notes. So many thoughts were suddenly racing through my head:

Damn, that’s sexy.

I love Rancid.

She’s really cute.

Shit. She’s 18.

I’m her boss.

I want to kiss her.

I should buy a boat.

What the? Where did that come from?

After a 15 minute drive, we pulled into Nico’s driveway. Parents out. Us alone. We stayed in the car for about another 15 minutes talking about each other’s interests, music, TV shows, and tennis (weird???). Nico shortly after reached for her bag in the backseat of the car indicating she was ready to head into her house.

Me: Do you want me to walk you to your door?

Nico: That’s nice of you, but this wasn’t a date. I’m not going to kiss you goodnight in front of the door.

Me: I… uh… just…

[NICO LEANS OVER QUICKLY AND KISSES ME ON THE LIPS!!!]

Me: [Caught off guard, pleasantly surprised, and smiling] Wow. What was that for?

Nico: Everybody deserves to be kissed on Valentine’s Day. It’s the least I could do for the ride. Plus, I think you’re cute.

Me: I think you are cute too. Thanks. Sooooo, maybe we can do this again sometime.

Nico: And maybe next time I’ll let you walk me to the door.

Nico got out of the car and gave me a quick wave and a smile. I guess next time we have the same schedule I’ll have to officially ask her out on a date.

I then took a minute to check my phone as my text alerts were going crazy during the drive. Tom was trying to get me to join him at the Oceanside for their annual Lonely Hearts Club party. I was on a high after that quick kiss and wanted a celebratory beverage, so I headed out to meet him.

At the time, I thought my kiss with Nico would be the highlight of my night, but I had no idea what was yet to come. Literally.

Chapter 2: Electric Boogaloo

Work. A necessary evil for most of us, but I actually enjoy my job. As I mentioned some time ago, I work at a comic book / music store where I am also part owner. The name of the store is AWESOME (which is fitting since music and comics are completely AWESOME.) I know absolutely nothing about running a business, so I make my days as an everyday clerk and don't deal with any of that management crap. I leave the management stuff to Uncle Ed.

Uncle Ed (note: not my real uncle or uncle of anyone at the store, just a nickname) has been running the location I work at since I started shopping here in junior high. He was in a well known local rock band back in the 80s-90s, but never quite made the jump to the major labels. He's definitely a local legend and one of the coolest guys you could ever meet. And he totally has that washed up rocker look (minus the needle marks).

I also work with the Douche. Enough said.

And then there is Nico. Wow.... Nico, Nico, Nico. Nico is this pseudo punk rock chick who dresses like she stepped out of one of those Japanese anime cartoons. Seriously. Plaid skirt, torn up fishnet stockings, black Chucks, leather wristbands, pierced "things" and a white button down shirt unbuttoned just enough to make you stare and feel guilty (but she is 18 years old, so even though she's borderline jailbait, it isn't illegal... which is good because she's REALLY freaking cute.) Sometimes things around the store can get confusing if Nico and I are working the same shift since we both go by the (no pun intended) nickname "Nick". Most importantly though is that she's a pretty cool chick.

The Douche told me last week that Nico had a crush on me, but I'm pretty sure she is just a big flirt with her mind in the gutter and likes to mess with guys' heads. For example, last week I was helping her stock new releases in the back (that too is sexual):

[Nico standing on ladder]
Nico: Hey Nick, can you hand me that box behind you?
Me: Sure. [Hands box up] Here's your box.
Nico: [Laughing] My box looks nothing like that. Not as dusty and cardboardy.
Me: [Laughing too] I would hope not.
Nico: Now can you grab the box that's underneath me?
Me: [As I'm reaching up to give Nico the box, I can't help but notice her underwear.] Here.
Nico: Did you just look up my skirt and see my panties?
Me: (OH SHIT! BUSTED!) Me... what... I... maybe... I wasn't trying... it just happened to be... (they were in plain sight when I looked up. How could I not look after she planted the seed with her previous box comment? Not like I could close my eyes and hand her the box of comics at the same time.)
Nico: [Laughing] Cause it's okay if you did. At least I'm wearing cute red undies today.
Me: (Phew!) I swear I wasn't trying to see up your skirt. The location of the box and you just kind of put it in my line of sight. I really wasn't planning to look up to see your underwear. I'm so sorry.
Nico: No worries. I did opt to be up here on the ladder with a skirt. Next time you wear a skirt I'll be sure to look up to see your panties and we'll be even. Deal?
Me: [Laughing] Sure.

See. The Douche must be wrong. I mean, it wasn't like she was hitting on me or anything, she just likes to make dirty jokes and sexual references. Okay, she did say it was okay if I looked at her panties, but it was all in jest. Right?

Kissing Darth Vader Doesn't Make You Gay

Tom went on a date with Pam last night. They went to a bar for dinner/drinks and to see a live band. (But enough about them, this blog is supposed to be about me.) I asked Tom to see if he could find out any details regarding what happened with Sara. Did I fuck up on the date and she was just being nice about breaking it off with me? Was it really about her ex? Tom came home around 1am and I couldn't wait for the details.

[As soon as Tom walked into the house.]

Me: So, what happened?
Tom: Have you been waiting for me to get home? How long have you been sitting there?
Me: A few minutes (...or 3 hours. Don't judge).
Tom: You've been sitting there since I left, haven't you? You have a problem. Go to bed.
Me: Come on. Tell me what happened. I neeeeed to know.
Tom: Dinner was good. Beer was good. Band was good. Pam is looking for a serious relationship. I’m looking for something casual. We had fun, but agreed we were looking for different things and would just be friends. She gave me a token kiss goodnight and that’s it.
Me: And…?
Tom: And I’m tired and going to bed.
Me: But what did you find out about Sara?
Tom: Nothing exciting. Just go to bed and I'll tell you in the morning.
Me: Come on. Don't be a dick.
Tom: Well at least I'll be a well rested dick if and when I feel like telling you details. Plus it is fun to watch you suffer.

ASSSSSSHOOOOOOOLE!

Since Tom decided to be a douche (not to be confused with The Douche), I was forced to go to bed and wait, but...
2am – still awake. Grrrr.
3am – still awake. This sucks.
4am – still awake. Fucking Tom. Asshole.
4:01am – AHHHHHH! I need to know NOW!

[I jumped out of bed. Busted into Tom’s room. Woke him up.]

Tom: What the? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously Nick? It's like 5am.
Me: It's 4am. I can’t sleep! I need to know!
Tom: Fiiiine. If you admit that you need serious mental help.
Me: Yes. Help. Doctor. Brain. Talk. Please.
Tom: Gretta (aka Grendel) posted some kind of comment on Facebook that Sara was on a date and her ex saw it. She had fun on her date with you, but I guess what she had before was pretty serious. Just like she told you. Happy now? Can I go back to sleep?

Grendel cock-blocked me? Son-of-a-bitch.

When I went back to bed I had the most wonderful dream. I was in a castle that was being attacked by a horrible monster with the head of Grendel. Pam and Sara were lying half-naked in a bed behind me as I protected them from the horrible creature. Grendel lunged at me and I cut her head off with a sword. Then I joined Sara and Pam in the bed and we all started making out. And the dream was going great until my alarm went off and I woke up with my lips pressed firmly against my Darth Vader pillow (grown men can have Star Wars pillows. Don’t judge).

The book of Sara is closed for now but who knows, maybe things won’t work out with her on-again off-again boyfriend and we’ll get another chance. Maybe I’ll meet another girl tomorrow and she’ll be the right girl for me. For now though, I need to get ready for work.

The 2nd Date?

The night after our first date, I received a phone call from Sara asking me if I wanted to meet up for coffee because she was going to be busy over the weekend and didn't want to wait to see me again. (Eager to see me? Yay!) I was really looking forward to seeing her again too, so we decided to meet up the following day.

I met Sara around 3pm at this little cafe in town called Deja Brew (somehow I feel as though I've been here before.)  When I got there, Sara was already sitting by the window with a coffee and reading a book. Like a gentleman, I popped over to see if she needed anything before I went to the counter to get my drink. She said she was fine (yeah she is), so I went up and ordered myself a caramel latte (yes, I know it's a girly drink, but it just tastes soooo good. Don't judge.) I then went back to the table to join Sara for our second date (or so I thought).

Sara: Thanks for meeting up with me today.
Me: No problem. I kind of couldn't wait to see you again.
Sara: Me too, but... um... [long awkward pause] ...so you know how my ex-boyfriend was at my place the other night?
Me: Um, yeah. I remember. (I have a bad feeling about where this is going.)
Sara: Well apparently I thought we were broken up, but he thought we were just taking a break. I'm not really sure what the difference is (me neither), but he told me he is ready to be "us" again. I'm not really sure if it is going to work out with him since he has pulled this on me before, but since I've already invested almost 4 years into the relationship, I feel like I have to give it one more shot (I'll give him a shot!). I hope you can understand and that we can still be friends.
Me: Oh. Sure. I guess. I mean, we were just starting out. I understand. (I understand this fucking sucks.)
Sara: Well I have to get going, but give me a call next week and maybe we can all hang out.
Me: Okay. Sounds good. (Yeah, probably not.)

And with that, Sara gave me a hug and left. Now I have a hundred questions about what the hell happened. Was that really her ex at her house or is she just not interested in me? The "I'm getting back with my ex" seems to be the easy let down these days instead of "it's not me, it's you" (or maybe it's the reverse of that). And how the hell did her ex just happen to show up the night of our date? Does she really want to try and be friends or is she just being nice? Do I attempt to steal her back from her ex or now boyfriend? AHHHHH!

I think Tom is going on a date with Pam this weekend. Maybe he'll be nice and get some details for me so I can get these questions out of my head. I think I need another caramel latte. Don't judge.

Here's to the Night

Nick and Sara... the 1st date. While I could go on for pages about this evening, I will try to nutshell it down to the highlights (and lowlights).


Excited and nervous, I got to Sara's place around 6pm to pick her up for our date. I walked up to her door, she came out, and we walked to my car. I naturally opened the car door for her like a gentleman. (Related: An ex once told me that she had this weird rule that if a guy opened all the doors for her on 1st date, she'd give him a blowjob at the end. Now I do it all the time, just in case.)

We went to a Japanese sushi restaurant called Fujiama. When we got to the restaurant there was an hour wait, so we hung out at the bar and had a couple drinks. She got a text while we were chatting about work, family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc., but like a good girl she didn't check the text. (I hate it when people check their phone while you are having a conversation with them. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude".) Turns out we have quite a bit in common as far as interests go. We both come from small families, enjoy sci-fi, watching football, dive bars, and (of course) karaoke.

When we finally sat down, we ordered a combo sushi tray/boat thing of California Roll, Spider Maki, Yellow Tail and Ebi. (If you don't eat sushi, that was all gibberish to you. If you do, it was sooooo good.) I didn't eat any wasabi in order to avoid any sort of embarrassment that could come with a burning mouth, burning ass, upset stomach, and so on. Oddly, Sara got another text half way through dinner. We were in the middle of eating and not really talking, so she took a quick look at her phone and put it away. (At this point, I'm hoping the texts are nothing important. Maybe she's getting Fantasy Sports alerts. Yeah, that's probably not it.)

Following dinner we went to see "The Tourist". Awful. The movie was just plain awful. Good actors, terrible storyline. Do not ever see this movie. In fact, I would suggest burning any posters you see of this movie to save everyone else the pain we felt. You cannot advertise your movie as an action film if your only real action scene involves someone trying to get away on a boat that goes 15mph and people are keeping up with you on foot. And unless you are Darth Vader, I'm pretty sure in order to choke someone properly you aren't supposed to have an inch of space between the rope and the person's neck. Sara got a phone call during the movie, looked at her phone, and hit ignore. She apologized for the interruption. (Okay, the date feels like it is going okay, but clearly something is up with the texts and phone calls. I don't need a college degree to know that something is off.)

After the movie I decided to buck up and ask Sara about the phone call/texts.
Me: Is everything okay? Seems like someone is trying to get in touch with you.
Sara: Sorry. Don't worry about it. A friend of mine is just being annoying.
(And that person isn't me. Yay me! Yay me dance! It's my birthday! ... ahem, sorry, got a little carried away there in my head. Where was I? 1992?)

So as we're driving back to Sara's place, I can already feel myself getting nervous and prepping for what I am hoping will be our first kiss (...or more. I only forgot to open one door, so maybe that earns me a handy. Kidding... kind of. I'd be perfectly happy with just a kiss. I really like this girl.)  But just as we are pulling up to her apartment...

Sara: Oh fuck.
Me: What? What just happened? Everything okay?
Sara: No. Apparently not. See that car in my driveway? (I nod.) That's my ex-boyfriend's car. He's the one who has been texting and calling me all night. I am really really sorry.
Me: Um... is there anything I can do? Do you want me to take you someplace else?
Sara: No. It's okay. I don't even know why he is here. I'll just go in and deal with him.
Me: I was going to walk you to your door. Do you want me to still walk you to your door?
Sara: Aw. That is really sweet of you, but I think the mood has just been spoiled. I really did have fun tonight, even if the movie was awful. Give me a call later this week?
Me: Absolutely. I had a great time too. Good luck.

And with that, we both leaned in towards each other and had a long kiss. With the sudden stress put on the situation, it wasn't the best kiss in the world, but it still ranked up there in my book. I'm pretty sure we both felt that special spark in the kiss.

So even when I finally manage to not screw something up with this girl, somebody else sweeps in and puts a damper on a beautiful evening. Such is the life of Nicholas Nobody.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I know I'm supposed to wait 3 days before calling a girl after she gives me her number... but I got anxious and called Sara after two. I was going to call her after one day, but Tom saw me dialing, grabbed my phone and threw it in the toilet (because he's a dick). In related news, I now have a new phone.

(In case you're wondering how I still have Sara's number, Android stores your contacts online in your gmail account. Thanks Google!)

In preparation for the call on day 2, I locked myself in my room before dialing so Tom couldn't come in and ruin another phone, but as is my continuous run of bad luck....

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Sara: Hello?

[Knock. Knock.] BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPP!

Damn it! I planned ahead for Tom, but not for the Douche. He must have come over to hang out with Tom and the dickhead releases one of the loudest burps known to man right outside my door. Right as Sara answered her phone.

Me [towards door]: Go away Douche!
Sara: Uh... excuse me?
Me: Oh hey. Ah. Sara?
Sara: Who the hell is this?
Me: Sorry, this is Nick. I wasn't calling you a douche. I was calling the Douche a douche.
Sara: Ooookay. Do you always burp on the phone like that? Honestly, not really attractive.
Me: Once again, that was the Douche. Not me. Sorry.
Sara: Suuure it was. (Good, I sense sarcasm in her voice. Good.)
Me: I didn't know he was here. Although since you've met him, does the loud burp really surprise you?
Sara: Nope. Not really.
Me: Seriously, if I had a dime for every time I mistakenly peed myself or had the Douche belch just as I was starting a conversation...
Sara: Yeah, so how much would you have?

(Crap. This might be a trap question. Must answer carefully.)

Me: I'd have about 20 cents. (Give or take $5... the Douche burping, not me peeing myself as an adult... probably.)
Sara: Well hopefully you won't be gaining any more dimes on our date.
Me: God I hope not. And kudos on getting right to the point of the phone call. Seems like you might end up being the man in this relationship.
Sara: Nope, I'm the woman. I definitely have a vagina. (Wow. She just... she... wow.) Anyway, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner and really should get going. I'm free tomorrow night, if that works for you.
Me: Absolutely.

We talked for another quick minute or two and decided to we'd grab some sushi at a Japanese restaurant in the city and maybe follow it up with a movie. Luckily tomorrow there will be no Toms or Douches around to mess things up. If something goes wrong, that'll be my fault and my fault alone.