A Douche, a song, and a dream.

So about a week passed before Tom and I decided to meet up with the girls for karaoke at the Oceanside Bar and Grille. We figured since all three girls would likely be there, that we should invite along a guy for Grendel. We opted to invite our friend Steve Dooshe (aka The Douche).

The Douche went to high school with us and also now works with me at the music store. Beyond the obvious reason for nicknaming him "The Douche" (last name) the nickname really fits his persona. Ever known someone who burps and farts in front of girls when you are trying to pick them up? Ever known someone who likes to bring up the most embarrassing stories about you in front of strangers? That guy, my friends, is Steve Dooshe.

When we arrived at the Oceanside and found the girls, I finally got to see what they really looked like since it was a little hard to tell in the previous poorly lit bar.

Sara: About 5'6" which is perfect for me since I am 5'10". Her medium length blond hair rested comfortably on her shoulder and curled a bit at the end. She was wearing skinny jeans that showed off her ass and a shirt-sweater-wrap thing up top (I'm a guy, what do I know about clothes). If I had to guess, I'd say her chest is probably a C or D cup, but with all those push-up padded bras these days, who can really tell without asking (I'm not asking).

Pam: Very similar in body and shape to Sara but with, perhaps, slightly smaller boobs. She wore a skirt and Ugg boots that showed off just enough of her legs to make you realize how nice they were. They might be nicer than Sara's.

Grendel: About 5'11", freckles, curly red hair and overweight. I imagine if Annie and Sasquatch had a bastard child, it would be Grendel. Also, apparently her real name is Gretta (I wasn't too far off). When she saw me she called me "Pampers". Clearly she was going to ridicule me with what happened last week. I'm going to continue to call her Grendel. She is still a beast of a woman.

We grabbed a table central to the karaoke stage and initially sat like we were at a junior high dance: boys on one side, girls on the other. As the night progressed and drinks were consumed, we started to mix things up and seemed to move our seats around after anyone sang. Things seemed to be going well until The Douche does what he does best.

The Douche: [Chugs a beer and then burps] Hey, you guys remember that time we did karaoke and Tom puked on stage while singing? It was EPIC. And then Nick had to go up and sing after him and you could see the mic still had puke bits on it. EPIIIIC!

Somehow Grendel was the only one who was amused by this. Disturbing.

Anyway, I sang songs by Journey, Ramones, and even a little Young MC. Tom sang Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam, and more Pearl Jam. The Douche sang the Bee Gees (enough said). The girls did what most girls do at karaoke and sang their songs together (just like when they go to the bathroom together. Weird.) They sang Britney (bleh!), Bon Jovi (yay!) and Lady Gaga (double bleh!). The only big surprise was when Sara opted to go up by herself and sing a song by Blondie (a blond singing a song by Blondie, how fitting.)

Eventually we all began to pair up at the table: Tom and Pam, Grendel and The Douche, and of course Sara and myself. I began my conversation with Sara by explaining what happened at the bar last week with me pissing myself. I just wanted to get that out of the way and make sure it was in the past. Apparently she thought Tom was kidding when he told them, but she still thought I seemed like a nice enough guy even if I had bladder control problems. She told me she teaches junior high math, lives with Pam and Grendel (the beast), and recently got out of a relationship (which is perfect for me since I am single and horny looking). After about 30 minutes of talking between just the two of us, Sara decided to get straight to the point.

Sara: So are we going to keep up with the small talk or are you going to ask me out at some point tonight?
Me: Um... yes... I was planning on it... so... um... do you want to grab some dinner with me next week or something?
Sara: Do you promise not to pee your pants?
Me: I can say that I most definitely will probably not pee my pants.
Sara: I'm not really sure what that means, but I'm a gambler. Hand me your phone and I'll give you my number.
[Hand her my phone. She enters her contact info. Score 1 for the guy who peed himself.]

The night continued on with us making fun of all the good/bad/awful singers (which I'm pretty sure is the real reason anyone goes to karaoke) and a few rounds of tequila shots. As the night ended we all gave each other drunken hugs goodbye (even Grendel) and I got a little peck on the cheek from Sara (*blushing*). So now I wait the standard 3 days to call Sara and work out the details of our first date. I'm keeping my fingers and bladder crossed that it'll go well.

Wish me luck.

So... yeah... that happened.

Last Thursday I'm having dinner at the Local Beer Pub (that is actually the name of the bar, but we call it the LBP) and hanging with Tom while he works. Tom is one of bartenders there so he usually hooks me up with free drinks and food, which saves me from having to cook for myself and eating alone. I usually sit at the bar which has a conveniently located mirror behind it that allows me to people watch in the reflection without being creepy. Lucky for me, about half way through my evening, a group of girls sat at the table behind me: a smoking hot blonde, an equally attractive brunette, and a Sasquatch (not literally, but she looked like a beast of a woman). Other than Sasquatch, these girls clearly looked out of my league, so I proceeded to ogle them from a distance and keep to myself, but Tom had different plans.

So I'm getting up to go take a piss when Tom asks me to bring a few drinks over to the table of girls in order to save him the trip. Naturally I was interested in the prospect of being near the girls, let alone talking to them, even if it was to just bring them their drinks. Just as soon as I get to the table, Tom comes up behind me and says to the girls, "This is Nick. He just bought you these drinks. You should ask him to join you."

ASSSSSSSHOOOOLE!!!

So yeah, Tom tricked me into talking to the girls. Not necessarily a bad thing since I wouldn't have started up a conversation by myself. The girls asked me to join them and it turns out the girls had names, as most do. The hot blonde, the one that peaked my interest, was named Sarah, but without an h, so it was just Sara. Don't know why I'm explaining that, but whatever, I typed it already. The equally attractive brunette was named Pam and their "friend" was name Grendel (I don't really remember what her name was, but it seemed fitting. Did I mention she was a beast of a woman? Also, it was pretty clear she didn't want me talking to her friends.)

I found out that Sara and Pam are teachers. Grendel eats villagers or works at a bank or something like that for a living. The girls were talking about music (Hey, I work at a music store!) and shopping (Hey, I hate shopping!) and some other girly stuff that I couldn't really relate to. They also said that they do karaoke on Wednesday nights at a dive bar up the road and, most importantly, they invited me to join them next week. (KACHING!) Sara then asked me what kind of music I'd sing.  I told her I prefer to do 80s and 90s rock and metal. (POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!) And then… it happened…

Sara: Sing something for us now.

Me: In the middle of the bar without music? Nah.

Sara: Come on. You know you want to.

Me: You'll just have to wait until Wednesday.

Sara: Do it or I'll tickle you.

Me: Wait. What?

Do you remember where I was headed before Tom asked me to bring the drinks over to these girls? I was heading to the bathroom to pee and that was 2 HOURS AGO. Do you know what happens when you really need to pee and someone proceeds to tickle you mercilessly? So… yeah… I pissed myself.

As soon as I felt it coming out, I ran to the men's room, but I knew there was a good chance that the ladies saw my jeans darken with a wet line as pee started running down my leg. Not attractive.

I obviously couldn't go back to the girls, so I cleaned myself up as best as I could and had to make a discreet exit. I asked a fellow bathroom patron to grab Tom for me so he could sneak me out the kitchen exit. Luckily he did, even if he was laughing hysterically the entire time. I asked Tom to apologize to the girls for me leaving in such a hurry and to make up a reason why (don't tell them I pissed myself) and he agreed to (he told them I pissed myself.)

ASSSSSSSHOOOOLE!!!

Maybe I blew my chances with Sara. Maybe not. I obviously probably can't do anything more embarrassing than I've already done. Tom and I are going to meet up with the girls for karaoke on Wednesday and, hopefully, I can redeem myself. (Maybe I'll win her over with a power ballad. Girls like power ballads. I think.) I guess we'll see.

Please allow me to introduce myself...

What is the meaning of life? I suppose I could look it up in a dictionary, but that kind of feels like cheating. My name is Nicholas Nobody, but everyone calls me Nick. I know my name sounds like it belongs to a cartoon or comics character, but I've learned to live with it. If you can think of a joke or a pun to go along with my name, I've probably heard it already.

"Ignore him, he's Nobody." – Rimshot!

"Nobody likes you." – Sends the wrong message to the ladies.

"Someday Nobody will become somebody." – LAME.

Anyway, here's what you should know about me. I'm 25 years old, never went to college, and work in a music/comic book store. I've never really been one for books or school, but luckily for me I won a million dollars on a scratch ticket I got for high school graduation. KAH-CHING! With the money I moved out of my parents' place and purchased a small house. I live there with my buddy Tom, who I'm sure I will talk about plenty on this blog thing in the future. A good chunk of the remaining funds I invested in the music/comic store company I work for (which was working out great until iTunes came along). 

There's really only one thing missing in my life – a girl. I've dated off and on over the years, but never really seem to make it work. I kind of have a knack for destroying relationships in an epic manner… sometimes before it even starts (more on this later).

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Next week I'll start telling you my tales of epic failure starting with the girl I just met (and how I probably blew it already).