Four months after the
zombie invasion, we find Nick, Tom, and The Douche
hiding out inside Stop & Shop Headquarter in Quincy, MA. Along the way they
picked up Ellie, a college girl who wields a blade as sharp as her tongue;
Damon, an 11 year old boy with a lisp found earlier wandering the streets; and Kate, a 30 year old woman obsessed with the show “Lost”. Our crew of
six currently find themselves running out of rations and in need of an escape
from the building as it is slowly being overrun by zombies. At present
time, they are hiding in a stairwell outside zombie ridden level 5.
Nick: [breathing heavily from their recent escape] We need
to get the hell out of here. We need to find safe way to the first floor and
the exit at the bottom of this stairwell is blocked.
GROOOOAAAAN [zombie
noises coming from 5th floor].
Tom: Damon, go inside to see how many zombies there are.
Ellie: What the fuck, Tom?! We can hear all the zombies.
Damon won’t survive.
Tom: We’ve all seen enough zombie movies to know what
happens. At some point the kid is going to get into trouble and one of us will
die saving him. Meanwhile he walks away without a bite. I’m trying to avoid
someone else dying later. It’ll be better this way.
Damon: HEY! I’M A BIG BOYS! I DON’T NEED YOU TO SAVE ME!
Tom: See. He says he can do it. Damon, go ahead and check it
out.
Nick: Damon, don’t listen to him. Tom is being a dick. We’ll
check the lower floors.
Kate: Sometimes Tom is such a Sawyer. LOST REFERENCE!
The Douche: Guys, can we please get moving?
Fourth floor – zombie
noises. Second floor – zombie noises. First floor – zombie noises. Third floor
– mostly quiet.
Tom: Alright crew, looks like our best bet is to hit the
third floor. We’ll make our way across to the other side, hit that stairwell
and hopefully find a way out using the basement. I can hear at least a few
zombies on this floor, so have your weapons ready. Try to conserve ammo if you
can.
Tom pulls open the
door. Ellie goes in first and quickly takes out a zombie with a machete to the
head. The floor only has nine or ten zombies. The Douche dismantles a female
zombie with a hammer to the head. Nick takes one down with the butt of his
shotgun. Damon and Kate hold back a little bit as they are not as skilled with
weapons. Tom pulls up the rear while watching their backs for any additional
zombies that might jump out. The crew quickly works their way to the other side
of the building, taking out another three zombies along the way. They make
their way into the other stairwell. They begin heading down to the basement. As
they pass the first floor, Kate is suddenly grabbed by a zombie. Tom quickly
pulls out his pistol and shoots the zombie in the head, saving Kate. Tom then
realizes the door to the first floor is broken and the zombie horde will be
coming. The crew makes their way into the basement and barricades the door with
whatever they can find.
Kate: Wow. Thanks, Tom. That was close. Like smoke monster
close. LOST REFERNCE!
Ellie: We need to get out of here fast or find a way to slow
them down.
BLAAAAAM!
The Douche: GODDAMMIT, TOM! YOU SHOT ME IN THE FOOT! ASSHOLE!
Tom: Sorry. We needed to slow the zombies down. They’ll
smell the blood coming from you, so you can go one way, while we run the other.
You are fatter than the rest of us and move slower already. We were all
thinking it. Right, guys?
Ellie: Um… no.
Nick: I haven’t not thought about it.
Tom: See! Everyone thought about it! Plus, Stop and Shop HQ
was your dumb idea. There wasn’t a ton of food trucks or food samples here to
feed us like you thought. I wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts University in
Braintree, but NOOOOOO you wanted to come
here.
The Douche: I also said we should come here BECAUSE MY CAR
IS PARKED IN THE GARAGE NEXT DOOR! THAT IS OUR QUICK ESCAPE AND I HAVE THE
KEYS! YOU DUMB FUCK!
Tom: Oh. Well I, maybe, forgot about that part. I’m sure
we’ll be laughing about this later… if you don’t get eaten… because the zombies
can smell the blood. Nick, wrap your shirt around his foot.
Nick: What? No. Your mistake. Your shirt.
Damon: Misters! I founds a door in the back that looks like
it goes somewhere. Outside or a garage thingy.
The Douche: [mumbling while Tom wraps up his wound] Asshole.
Nick helps support The
Douche as they walk to check the door that Damon found. Sure enough, the garage
is next door. Luckily all appears to be quiet in the garage and the crew makes
their way to The Douche’s car. Ellie hops behind the wheel to drive as The
Douche refuses to give his keys to Tom or Nick. The car surprisingly starts
without issue and they make their way towards the garage exit.
Tom: Hahahahaha! [laughing]
Nick: What’s so funny?
Tom: I’m checking Facebook. So many morons from high school
are dead. Some of them even look like they died mid-post. It’s kind of funny.
Nick: Your phone still works? How is that even possible?
Tom: Car has a phone charger, so I plugged it in and am
checking my notifications. No big deal. Not like the zombies flew into
satellites or all the cell phone towers or electricity wires. Why do people
always think the internet would shut down during a zombie invasion?
Ellie: YOU ARE CHECKING FACEBOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
CHECK THE NEWS YOU IDIOT!
Tom: Here. I’ll turn on the radio. Happy?
CAR RADIO: EMERGENCY
ALERT BROADCAST – THE US ARMY IS DOING WEEKLY PICKUPS AT LOCAL POLICE STATIONS
TO GATHER SURVIVORS AND BRING THEM TO SAFE ZONES. MONDAY – BROCKTON, ABINGTON,
HOLBROOK. TUESDAY – WEYMOUTH, BRAINTREE, QUINCY. WEDNESDAY – HINGHAM, NORWELL…
Tom: Holy shit! What day is today?
Nick: Look at your phone, dummy.
Tom: Oh yeah. Monday. I think our best bet is to head
towards the Police Station and find a place to hide out for the night. Maybe
the Oceanside Bar & Grill.
The Douche: Are you trying to steal ideas from “Shaun of the
Dead”? We should just drive to the police station and hide out there for the
night. That way, we’ll make sure we are there when the Army shows up. That makes
more sense.
Nick: While I have to agree with The Douche’s logic, I kind
of like the idea of hitting the Oceanside for one last go. We should be able to
see the military going to the police station from there anyway.
The Douche: Nostalgia over safety? Are you crazy?
Ellie: Ladies! Ladies! When you are done arguing, maybe you
can tell me how the hell we are going to make it through the zombie horde
coming down the fucking street.
Tom: Hit them. Hit them all.
The Douche: This is a bad idea.
Kate: Yeah, like when Locke left the island and died. LOST
REFERENCE!
Ellie steps on the gas
pedal. The car slowly begins speeding towards the zombies and… BEEP BEEP BEEP!
EEERRRPT! [brake
noise]
Tom: Why are you braking? Drive!
Ellie: I don’t know. The car just stopped.
Nick: Shit. The zombies are beginning to surround the car.
Put it in reverse.
GROOOOAAAAN [zombie
noises].
Zombies begin hitting
and climbing onto the car. Ellie puts the car in reverse. Steps on the gas and…
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
EEERRRPT! [brake
noise]
Ellie: What the FUCK is going on with this car?
Damon: I is scared.
Kate: Don’t worry. It’s just like the alert in the hatch.
Someone will hit the right buttons and everything will be okay. LOST REFERENCE!
Tom: Kate, NOT THE TIME!
The Douche: Actually, it is the time! For once, one of her
dumb “Lost” references is useful. Hitting the right button IS the issue. It’s
the Emergency Braking System! It prevents the car from hitting objects in front
and behind. There has to be a button to shut it off.
Tom: Where is the button?
The Douche: I don’t know. Look in the manual.
Tom: It is your fucking car! How do you not know where it
is?!
The Douche: Sorry, next time I go to buy a car I’ll make
sure to ask the dealer, “Hey, which button do I press so I can drive through a
crowd of FUCKING zombies?!”
Nick: Guys, this isn’t helping.
Ellie: I think I found it. Hold on. Things are about to get
bumpy.
Ellie steps on the gas
once again and the car dashes forwards knocking zombies all around the car as
they go. The car makes surprisingly good waste of the zombies it drives over them as
well. The zombie horde begins to thin as they approach the police station on
their way to the Oceanside.
The Douche: Seriously, we are about to drive right by the
police station and it looks quiet. Are you sure we shouldn’t just be smart and
go there now?
Tom: Shut up. You were out voted. Plus, thieves or cannibals
or worse could be waiting for people dumb enough to arrive early.
The Douche: What could possibly be worse than cannibals?
Tom: Ass rapists.
Damon: I don’t want to be ass rapisted.
Nick: Nobody does. Nobody does.
The crew drives past
the police station and continues on towards the Oceanside. As they are nearing
the bar, they see the road is blocked by broken down and abandoned vehicles.
Luckily, the zombie presence still appears to be light as they will need to
make it the rest of the way on foot.
Tom: Okay, crew, looks like we are walking.
The Douche: Or we could just turn around and head back to
the police station.
Tom: Get over it. We’re basically at the bar already.
The Douche: Did you forget that you shot my foot? Walking
isn’t exactly ideal for me right now.
Tom: Quit whining. I see a cane on the ground up ahead.
We’ll pick it up along the way.
Nick: There could be zombies still in the vehicles. We
should be careful working our way around them. Might not be as quiet as it
looks.
Tom: Kate and I will take the lead. Nick, you and Damon can
take the middle. Ellie and the cry baby can take the rear. Have your weapons
ready.
The Douche: [mumbling to Tom] Your mom takes it in the rear.
Tom: I heard that! Real mature. Making a joke about my zombie
eaten mom.
The Douche: Dick.
Tom: Ass.
Ellie: Children, can we please get going? If I have to spend
another minute trapped in this car with the two of you, I’m going to kill you
myself.
Kate and Tom head out
first, followed by the rest of the crew. After getting half way to the bar,
Kate’s ankle is suddenly grabbed from underneath a car. Kate trips up and falls
down.
GROOOOAAAAN [zombie
noises].
Another zombie grabs
Kate’s leg from underneath a car. Tom, acting quickly, shoots his gun at the
zombie arm.
GROOOOAAAAN [zombie
noises]. CRUNCH!
Kate: AHHHHHH! I’m bit!
A third zombie grabs
Kate’s arm and begins pulling her under. Tom fires again, but realizes it is
too late.
Tom: Kate, what do you want me to do?
Kate: If your phone still has some battery life, record a
close up of my eye closing. If I’m going to die, I want to die like Jack. FINAL
SCENE OF LOST REFERaaargghh.
And Kate was pulled
fully under the vehicle as the zombies continued to eat her.
Tom: Don’t worry, Kate. I’m posting the video to Facebook
now. You will not have died in vain.
Not realizing what was
occurring around him, Tom looks up to find his gunshots attracted a shit ton of
zombies. It is clear that the crew will now be running and gunning the rest of
the way to the bar.
BLAAAAAM! BLAAAAAM!
KAKRAK! BLAAAAAM! [gun noises]
The Douche: I told you this was going to be a bad idea.
Tom: How about you hold off on the “I told you so’s” until
we are safe?
BLAAAAAM! BLAAAAAM!
KAKRAK! BLAAAAAM! [gun noises]
Tom, Nick, Ellie,
Damon and The Douche quickly find themselves outside the front door of the bar
fending off the approaching zombies.
Ellie: How are we supposed to get in?
Tom: Try the door handle.
Ellie: What?
Tom: TRY THE DOOR HANDLE!
Ellie tries the door
handle and, sure enough, the door is unlocked. Our crew finally makes their way
into the deserted bar.
Ellie: [to Tom] How did you know the door would be unlocked?
Tom: I didn’t. But zombies can’t turn doorknobs, so why
bother locking it?
The Douche: Well what about keeping out your so called
“thieves, cannibals and ass rapists”?
Tom: Nah. Those guys hang out at police stations.
The crew searches the
bar and finds it to be devoid of any zombie presence. They also stumble upon
several untouched bottles of alcohol and bags of stale chips. With food and
drink in their bellies, the crew set up camp inside the bar for the evening.
After each of them
take a zombie watch shift, our crew find themselves safely alive on Tuesday
morning and waiting to hear the approaching rumble of military vehicles.
Ellie: When should we head back to the police station?
Tom: We should be able to hear the helicopters, tanks or
whatever as they are getting close to the police station. Gunfire too, I would
imagine. The zombies should move towards the noise, so with any luck, we should
have a clear path back to the car.
The Douche: In case we DO have to fight another zombie
horde, how are you guys looking for ammo? I am down to one bullet in my handgun.
Not good.
Nick: I’m out. I dropped a full box of shotgun shells in
your car though during yesterday’s chaos.
Ellie: I’m down to using my trusty machete.
Tom: I have a full clip in my gun now. Another in my jacket
pocket.
Damon is staring out
the window.
Nick: Damon, what are you doing over there?
Damon: I think I see the army mens.
Tom walks over to the
window.
Tom: The window is filthy. How can you see… CRAAAAASH! [broken window noise]… FUCK!
One of them has me!
Damon: It’s Miss Kate! Hi, Miss Kate!
Tom: Quick! Someone shoot her! And shoot Damon for being
dumb!
BLAAAAAM!
Tom: GODDAMMIT, DOUCHE! YOU SHOT ME IN THE FOOT!
ASSHOaaarggh… [Tom gets ripped through
the window and eaten].
Nick: [to The Douche] Seriously?
The Douche: What? He totally had it coming. Also… that was
my last bullet.
Ellie: Great! So not only have you attracted the zombies
with a gunshot, now they have a way in through the window, and we are out of
bullets. At least tell me one of you has the keys to the car.
Blank stares all
around realizing Tom had the keys.
The Douche: Okay. Totally my bad.
Nick: So what’s our plan? Sounds like we need to make a run
for the police station or try to get the keys off Tom’s body.
Ellie: The Douche still has a hole in his foot and, Nick,
I’m better with a machete than you, so I guess I’ll try and get the keys before
we are swarmed again. I knew you guys were going to get me killed one of these
days.
Ellie proceeds out the
front door of the bar and sees Tom lying on the ground being eaten by Kate.
Ellie: The ending of “Lost” was dumb. And they never
explained the island, bitch.
Ellie pulls back her
arm and with one powerful swing decapitates Kate. She then jams the machete
into Tom’s head, ensuring he will not return as a zombie. Ellie grabs Tom’s
gun, bullets, and the keys to the car.
Ellie: Time to put your dicks away, boys. Let’s get to the
fucking car!
The remaining four
once again find themselves slowly being swarmed by zombies. They dispatch eight
zombies on the way to the vehicle while outmaneuvering numerous others. Once
inside the car, Ellie puts the keys in the ignition, turns the key, and…
nothing. The car doesn’t start.
Ellie: It isn’t starting! Douche, what is with your cursed
car?
The Douche: Nothing. I don’t know why it isn’t starting. Did
you leave the lights on or something?
Ellie: No.
Nick: Are we out of gas?
Ellie: It was almost full yesterd… FUCK! ….someone must have
busted the gas cap off and siphoned out the tank last night.
The Douche: Well what do we do now?
Nick: Pray. Look around.
A large crowd of
zombies is approaching the car from all directions. Nick, Ellie, Damon and The
Douche are trapped.
Damon: Are we fucketted?
Nick: Yes, Damon, we are fucked.
GROOOOAAAAN [zombie
noises].
Zombies begin pushing
and hitting car. Enough pressure breaks the window closest to Damon. A zombie
grabs Damon’s shoulder.
Damon: AHHHHHH! Helps me!
BLAAAAAM!
Damon is crying and
now there is blood inside car.
Nick: Jesus Christ, Ellie! Did you just shoot Damon in the
foot?
Ellie: That wasn’t me. I didn’t even pull my gun out yet. He doesn't look shot.
BLAAAAAM!
BLAAAAAM! BLAAAAAM!
KAKRAK! BLAAAAAM! [gun noises]
The zombies
surrounding the car are getting shot from what appears to be out of nowhere.
Nick: Look! The little bastard really did see the army men.
Damon: I tolds you so.
BLAAAAAM! BLAAAAAM!
KAKRAK! BLAAAAAM! [gun noises]
Ellie: Holy fuck. We’re going to make it.
As the smoke clears
and the zombies have all fallen, men in a military uniforms approach the car.
Military Guy: Looks
like we came back just in time. Is everyone in here okay? Has anyone been bit?
Nick: Everyone is fine. Nobody has been bit. You just saved
our asses.
Military Guy: Sir, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t swear in
front of the child.
Nick: Sorry.
Military Guy: I don’t know if you have heard, but we are
taking survivors back to the safe zone. You are free to continue on your own
way, but you are more than welcome to join us.
Ellie: The sooner I can get away from these boys and have an
intelligent conversation with someone else, the better. We’re in.
Military Guy: That’s good to hear, especially since we would
have ended up coming back empty handed if we had only stopped by the police
station.
The Douche: Really? Nobody was there?
Military Guy: Truthfully, there WERE people there, but they were
all thieves, cannibals and ass rapists.
THE END
