Tom went on a date with Pam last night. They went to a bar for dinner/drinks and to see a live band. (But enough about them, this blog is supposed to be about me.) I asked Tom to see if he could find out any details regarding what happened with Sara. Did I fuck up on the date and she was just being nice about breaking it off with me? Was it really about her ex? Tom came home around 1am and I couldn't wait for the details.
[As soon as Tom walked into the house.]
Me: So, what happened?
Tom: Have you been waiting for me to get home? How long have you been sitting there?
Me: A few minutes (...or 3 hours. Don't judge).
Tom: You've been sitting there since I left, haven't you? You have a problem. Go to bed.
Me: Come on. Tell me what happened. I neeeeed to know.
Tom: Dinner was good. Beer was good. Band was good. Pam is looking for a serious relationship. I’m looking for something casual. We had fun, but agreed we were looking for different things and would just be friends. She gave me a token kiss goodnight and that’s it.
Me: And…?
Tom: And I’m tired and going to bed.
Me: But what did you find out about Sara?
Tom: Nothing exciting. Just go to bed and I'll tell you in the morning.
Me: Come on. Don't be a dick.
Tom: Well at least I'll be a well rested dick if and when I feel like telling you details. Plus it is fun to watch you suffer.
ASSSSSSHOOOOOOOLE!
Since Tom decided to be a douche (not to be confused with The Douche), I was forced to go to bed and wait, but...
2am – still awake. Grrrr.
3am – still awake. This sucks.
4am – still awake. Fucking Tom. Asshole.
4:01am – AHHHHHH! I need to know NOW!
[I jumped out of bed. Busted into Tom’s room. Woke him up.]
Tom: What the? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously Nick? It's like 5am.
Me: It's 4am. I can’t sleep! I need to know!
Tom: Fiiiine. If you admit that you need serious mental help.
Me: Yes. Help. Doctor. Brain. Talk. Please.
Tom: Gretta (aka Grendel) posted some kind of comment on Facebook that Sara was on a date and her ex saw it. She had fun on her date with you, but I guess what she had before was pretty serious. Just like she told you. Happy now? Can I go back to sleep?
Grendel cock-blocked me? Son-of-a-bitch.
When I went back to bed I had the most wonderful dream. I was in a castle that was being attacked by a horrible monster with the head of Grendel. Pam and Sara were lying half-naked in a bed behind me as I protected them from the horrible creature. Grendel lunged at me and I cut her head off with a sword. Then I joined Sara and Pam in the bed and we all started making out. And the dream was going great until my alarm went off and I woke up with my lips pressed firmly against my Darth Vader pillow (grown men can have Star Wars pillows. Don’t judge).
The book of Sara is closed for now but who knows, maybe things won’t work out with her on-again off-again boyfriend and we’ll get another chance. Maybe I’ll meet another girl tomorrow and she’ll be the right girl for me. For now though, I need to get ready for work.
The 2nd Date?
The night after our first date, I received a phone call from Sara asking me if I wanted to meet up for coffee because she was going to be busy over the weekend and didn't want to wait to see me again. (Eager to see me? Yay!) I was really looking forward to seeing her again too, so we decided to meet up the following day.
I met Sara around 3pm at this little cafe in town called Deja Brew (somehow I feel as though I've been here before.) When I got there, Sara was already sitting by the window with a coffee and reading a book. Like a gentleman, I popped over to see if she needed anything before I went to the counter to get my drink. She said she was fine (yeah she is), so I went up and ordered myself a caramel latte (yes, I know it's a girly drink, but it just tastes soooo good. Don't judge.) I then went back to the table to join Sara for our second date (or so I thought).
Sara: Thanks for meeting up with me today.
Me: No problem. I kind of couldn't wait to see you again.
Sara: Me too, but... um... [long awkward pause] ...so you know how my ex-boyfriend was at my place the other night?
Me: Um, yeah. I remember. (I have a bad feeling about where this is going.)
Sara: Well apparently I thought we were broken up, but he thought we were just taking a break. I'm not really sure what the difference is (me neither), but he told me he is ready to be "us" again. I'm not really sure if it is going to work out with him since he has pulled this on me before, but since I've already invested almost 4 years into the relationship, I feel like I have to give it one more shot (I'll give him a shot!). I hope you can understand and that we can still be friends.
Me: Oh. Sure. I guess. I mean, we were just starting out. I understand. (I understand this fucking sucks.)
Sara: Well I have to get going, but give me a call next week and maybe we can all hang out.
Me: Okay. Sounds good. (Yeah, probably not.)
And with that, Sara gave me a hug and left. Now I have a hundred questions about what the hell happened. Was that really her ex at her house or is she just not interested in me? The "I'm getting back with my ex" seems to be the easy let down these days instead of "it's not me, it's you" (or maybe it's the reverse of that). And how the hell did her ex just happen to show up the night of our date? Does she really want to try and be friends or is she just being nice? Do I attempt to steal her back from her ex or now boyfriend? AHHHHH!
I think Tom is going on a date with Pam this weekend. Maybe he'll be nice and get some details for me so I can get these questions out of my head. I think I need another caramel latte. Don't judge.
I met Sara around 3pm at this little cafe in town called Deja Brew (somehow I feel as though I've been here before.) When I got there, Sara was already sitting by the window with a coffee and reading a book. Like a gentleman, I popped over to see if she needed anything before I went to the counter to get my drink. She said she was fine (yeah she is), so I went up and ordered myself a caramel latte (yes, I know it's a girly drink, but it just tastes soooo good. Don't judge.) I then went back to the table to join Sara for our second date (or so I thought).
Sara: Thanks for meeting up with me today.
Me: No problem. I kind of couldn't wait to see you again.
Sara: Me too, but... um... [long awkward pause] ...so you know how my ex-boyfriend was at my place the other night?
Me: Um, yeah. I remember. (I have a bad feeling about where this is going.)
Sara: Well apparently I thought we were broken up, but he thought we were just taking a break. I'm not really sure what the difference is (me neither), but he told me he is ready to be "us" again. I'm not really sure if it is going to work out with him since he has pulled this on me before, but since I've already invested almost 4 years into the relationship, I feel like I have to give it one more shot (I'll give him a shot!). I hope you can understand and that we can still be friends.
Me: Oh. Sure. I guess. I mean, we were just starting out. I understand. (I understand this fucking sucks.)
Sara: Well I have to get going, but give me a call next week and maybe we can all hang out.
Me: Okay. Sounds good. (Yeah, probably not.)
And with that, Sara gave me a hug and left. Now I have a hundred questions about what the hell happened. Was that really her ex at her house or is she just not interested in me? The "I'm getting back with my ex" seems to be the easy let down these days instead of "it's not me, it's you" (or maybe it's the reverse of that). And how the hell did her ex just happen to show up the night of our date? Does she really want to try and be friends or is she just being nice? Do I attempt to steal her back from her ex or now boyfriend? AHHHHH!
I think Tom is going on a date with Pam this weekend. Maybe he'll be nice and get some details for me so I can get these questions out of my head. I think I need another caramel latte. Don't judge.
Here's to the Night
Nick and Sara... the 1st date. While I could go on for pages about this evening, I will try to nutshell it down to the highlights (and lowlights).
Excited and nervous, I got to Sara's place around 6pm to pick her up for our date. I walked up to her door, she came out, and we walked to my car. I naturally opened the car door for her like a gentleman. (Related: An ex once told me that she had this weird rule that if a guy opened all the doors for her on 1st date, she'd give him a blowjob at the end. Now I do it all the time, just in case.)
We went to a Japanese sushi restaurant called Fujiama. When we got to the restaurant there was an hour wait, so we hung out at the bar and had a couple drinks. She got a text while we were chatting about work, family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc., but like a good girl she didn't check the text. (I hate it when people check their phone while you are having a conversation with them. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude".) Turns out we have quite a bit in common as far as interests go. We both come from small families, enjoy sci-fi, watching football, dive bars, and (of course) karaoke.
When we finally sat down, we ordered a combo sushi tray/boat thing of California Roll, Spider Maki, Yellow Tail and Ebi. (If you don't eat sushi, that was all gibberish to you. If you do, it was sooooo good.) I didn't eat any wasabi in order to avoid any sort of embarrassment that could come with a burning mouth, burning ass, upset stomach, and so on. Oddly, Sara got another text half way through dinner. We were in the middle of eating and not really talking, so she took a quick look at her phone and put it away. (At this point, I'm hoping the texts are nothing important. Maybe she's getting Fantasy Sports alerts. Yeah, that's probably not it.)
Following dinner we went to see "The Tourist". Awful. The movie was just plain awful. Good actors, terrible storyline. Do not ever see this movie. In fact, I would suggest burning any posters you see of this movie to save everyone else the pain we felt. You cannot advertise your movie as an action film if your only real action scene involves someone trying to get away on a boat that goes 15mph and people are keeping up with you on foot. And unless you are Darth Vader, I'm pretty sure in order to choke someone properly you aren't supposed to have an inch of space between the rope and the person's neck. Sara got a phone call during the movie, looked at her phone, and hit ignore. She apologized for the interruption. (Okay, the date feels like it is going okay, but clearly something is up with the texts and phone calls. I don't need a college degree to know that something is off.)
After the movie I decided to buck up and ask Sara about the phone call/texts.
Me: Is everything okay? Seems like someone is trying to get in touch with you.
Sara: Sorry. Don't worry about it. A friend of mine is just being annoying.
(And that person isn't me. Yay me! Yay me dance! It's my birthday! ... ahem, sorry, got a little carried away there in my head. Where was I? 1992?)
So as we're driving back to Sara's place, I can already feel myself getting nervous and prepping for what I am hoping will be our first kiss (...or more. I only forgot to open one door, so maybe that earns me a handy. Kidding... kind of. I'd be perfectly happy with just a kiss. I really like this girl.) But just as we are pulling up to her apartment...
Sara: Oh fuck.
Me: What? What just happened? Everything okay?
Sara: No. Apparently not. See that car in my driveway? (I nod.) That's my ex-boyfriend's car. He's the one who has been texting and calling me all night. I am really really sorry.
Me: Um... is there anything I can do? Do you want me to take you someplace else?
Sara: No. It's okay. I don't even know why he is here. I'll just go in and deal with him.
Me: I was going to walk you to your door. Do you want me to still walk you to your door?
Sara: Aw. That is really sweet of you, but I think the mood has just been spoiled. I really did have fun tonight, even if the movie was awful. Give me a call later this week?
Me: Absolutely. I had a great time too. Good luck.
And with that, we both leaned in towards each other and had a long kiss. With the sudden stress put on the situation, it wasn't the best kiss in the world, but it still ranked up there in my book. I'm pretty sure we both felt that special spark in the kiss.
So even when I finally manage to not screw something up with this girl, somebody else sweeps in and puts a damper on a beautiful evening. Such is the life of Nicholas Nobody.
Excited and nervous, I got to Sara's place around 6pm to pick her up for our date. I walked up to her door, she came out, and we walked to my car. I naturally opened the car door for her like a gentleman. (Related: An ex once told me that she had this weird rule that if a guy opened all the doors for her on 1st date, she'd give him a blowjob at the end. Now I do it all the time, just in case.)
We went to a Japanese sushi restaurant called Fujiama. When we got to the restaurant there was an hour wait, so we hung out at the bar and had a couple drinks. She got a text while we were chatting about work, family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc., but like a good girl she didn't check the text. (I hate it when people check their phone while you are having a conversation with them. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude".) Turns out we have quite a bit in common as far as interests go. We both come from small families, enjoy sci-fi, watching football, dive bars, and (of course) karaoke.
When we finally sat down, we ordered a combo sushi tray/boat thing of California Roll, Spider Maki, Yellow Tail and Ebi. (If you don't eat sushi, that was all gibberish to you. If you do, it was sooooo good.) I didn't eat any wasabi in order to avoid any sort of embarrassment that could come with a burning mouth, burning ass, upset stomach, and so on. Oddly, Sara got another text half way through dinner. We were in the middle of eating and not really talking, so she took a quick look at her phone and put it away. (At this point, I'm hoping the texts are nothing important. Maybe she's getting Fantasy Sports alerts. Yeah, that's probably not it.)
Following dinner we went to see "The Tourist". Awful. The movie was just plain awful. Good actors, terrible storyline. Do not ever see this movie. In fact, I would suggest burning any posters you see of this movie to save everyone else the pain we felt. You cannot advertise your movie as an action film if your only real action scene involves someone trying to get away on a boat that goes 15mph and people are keeping up with you on foot. And unless you are Darth Vader, I'm pretty sure in order to choke someone properly you aren't supposed to have an inch of space between the rope and the person's neck. Sara got a phone call during the movie, looked at her phone, and hit ignore. She apologized for the interruption. (Okay, the date feels like it is going okay, but clearly something is up with the texts and phone calls. I don't need a college degree to know that something is off.)
After the movie I decided to buck up and ask Sara about the phone call/texts.
Me: Is everything okay? Seems like someone is trying to get in touch with you.
Sara: Sorry. Don't worry about it. A friend of mine is just being annoying.
(And that person isn't me. Yay me! Yay me dance! It's my birthday! ... ahem, sorry, got a little carried away there in my head. Where was I? 1992?)
So as we're driving back to Sara's place, I can already feel myself getting nervous and prepping for what I am hoping will be our first kiss (...or more. I only forgot to open one door, so maybe that earns me a handy. Kidding... kind of. I'd be perfectly happy with just a kiss. I really like this girl.) But just as we are pulling up to her apartment...
Sara: Oh fuck.
Me: What? What just happened? Everything okay?
Sara: No. Apparently not. See that car in my driveway? (I nod.) That's my ex-boyfriend's car. He's the one who has been texting and calling me all night. I am really really sorry.
Me: Um... is there anything I can do? Do you want me to take you someplace else?
Sara: No. It's okay. I don't even know why he is here. I'll just go in and deal with him.
Me: I was going to walk you to your door. Do you want me to still walk you to your door?
Sara: Aw. That is really sweet of you, but I think the mood has just been spoiled. I really did have fun tonight, even if the movie was awful. Give me a call later this week?
Me: Absolutely. I had a great time too. Good luck.
And with that, we both leaned in towards each other and had a long kiss. With the sudden stress put on the situation, it wasn't the best kiss in the world, but it still ranked up there in my book. I'm pretty sure we both felt that special spark in the kiss.
So even when I finally manage to not screw something up with this girl, somebody else sweeps in and puts a damper on a beautiful evening. Such is the life of Nicholas Nobody.
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
I know I'm supposed to wait 3 days before calling a girl after she gives me her number... but I got anxious and called Sara after two. I was going to call her after one day, but Tom saw me dialing, grabbed my phone and threw it in the toilet (because he's a dick). In related news, I now have a new phone.
(In case you're wondering how I still have Sara's number, Android stores your contacts online in your gmail account. Thanks Google!)
In preparation for the call on day 2, I locked myself in my room before dialing so Tom couldn't come in and ruin another phone, but as is my continuous run of bad luck....
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Sara: Hello?
[Knock. Knock.] BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPP!
Damn it! I planned ahead for Tom, but not for the Douche. He must have come over to hang out with Tom and the dickhead releases one of the loudest burps known to man right outside my door. Right as Sara answered her phone.
Me [towards door]: Go away Douche!
Sara: Uh... excuse me?
Me: Oh hey. Ah. Sara?
Sara: Who the hell is this?
Me: Sorry, this is Nick. I wasn't calling you a douche. I was calling the Douche a douche.
Sara: Ooookay. Do you always burp on the phone like that? Honestly, not really attractive.
Me: Once again, that was the Douche. Not me. Sorry.
Sara: Suuure it was. (Good, I sense sarcasm in her voice. Good.)
Me: I didn't know he was here. Although since you've met him, does the loud burp really surprise you?
Sara: Nope. Not really.
Me: Seriously, if I had a dime for every time I mistakenly peed myself or had the Douche belch just as I was starting a conversation...
Sara: Yeah, so how much would you have?
(Crap. This might be a trap question. Must answer carefully.)
Me: I'd have about 20 cents. (Give or take $5... the Douche burping, not me peeing myself as an adult... probably.)
Sara: Well hopefully you won't be gaining any more dimes on our date.
Me: God I hope not. And kudos on getting right to the point of the phone call. Seems like you might end up being the man in this relationship.
Sara: Nope, I'm the woman. I definitely have a vagina. (Wow. She just... she... wow.) Anyway, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner and really should get going. I'm free tomorrow night, if that works for you.
Me: Absolutely.
We talked for another quick minute or two and decided to we'd grab some sushi at a Japanese restaurant in the city and maybe follow it up with a movie. Luckily tomorrow there will be no Toms or Douches around to mess things up. If something goes wrong, that'll be my fault and my fault alone.
(In case you're wondering how I still have Sara's number, Android stores your contacts online in your gmail account. Thanks Google!)
In preparation for the call on day 2, I locked myself in my room before dialing so Tom couldn't come in and ruin another phone, but as is my continuous run of bad luck....
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Sara: Hello?
[Knock. Knock.] BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPP!
Damn it! I planned ahead for Tom, but not for the Douche. He must have come over to hang out with Tom and the dickhead releases one of the loudest burps known to man right outside my door. Right as Sara answered her phone.
Me [towards door]: Go away Douche!
Sara: Uh... excuse me?
Me: Oh hey. Ah. Sara?
Sara: Who the hell is this?
Me: Sorry, this is Nick. I wasn't calling you a douche. I was calling the Douche a douche.
Sara: Ooookay. Do you always burp on the phone like that? Honestly, not really attractive.
Me: Once again, that was the Douche. Not me. Sorry.
Sara: Suuure it was. (Good, I sense sarcasm in her voice. Good.)
Me: I didn't know he was here. Although since you've met him, does the loud burp really surprise you?
Sara: Nope. Not really.
Me: Seriously, if I had a dime for every time I mistakenly peed myself or had the Douche belch just as I was starting a conversation...
Sara: Yeah, so how much would you have?
(Crap. This might be a trap question. Must answer carefully.)
Me: I'd have about 20 cents. (Give or take $5... the Douche burping, not me peeing myself as an adult... probably.)
Sara: Well hopefully you won't be gaining any more dimes on our date.
Me: God I hope not. And kudos on getting right to the point of the phone call. Seems like you might end up being the man in this relationship.
Sara: Nope, I'm the woman. I definitely have a vagina. (Wow. She just... she... wow.) Anyway, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner and really should get going. I'm free tomorrow night, if that works for you.
Me: Absolutely.
We talked for another quick minute or two and decided to we'd grab some sushi at a Japanese restaurant in the city and maybe follow it up with a movie. Luckily tomorrow there will be no Toms or Douches around to mess things up. If something goes wrong, that'll be my fault and my fault alone.
A Douche, a song, and a dream.
So about a week passed before Tom and I decided to meet up with the girls for karaoke at the Oceanside Bar and Grille. We figured since all three girls would likely be there, that we should invite along a guy for Grendel. We opted to invite our friend Steve Dooshe (aka The Douche).
The Douche went to high school with us and also now works with me at the music store. Beyond the obvious reason for nicknaming him "The Douche" (last name) the nickname really fits his persona. Ever known someone who burps and farts in front of girls when you are trying to pick them up? Ever known someone who likes to bring up the most embarrassing stories about you in front of strangers? That guy, my friends, is Steve Dooshe.
When we arrived at the Oceanside and found the girls, I finally got to see what they really looked like since it was a little hard to tell in the previous poorly lit bar.
Sara: About 5'6" which is perfect for me since I am 5'10". Her medium length blond hair rested comfortably on her shoulder and curled a bit at the end. She was wearing skinny jeans that showed off her ass and a shirt-sweater-wrap thing up top (I'm a guy, what do I know about clothes). If I had to guess, I'd say her chest is probably a C or D cup, but with all those push-up padded bras these days, who can really tell without asking (I'm not asking).
Pam: Very similar in body and shape to Sara but with, perhaps, slightly smaller boobs. She wore a skirt and Ugg boots that showed off just enough of her legs to make you realize how nice they were. They might be nicer than Sara's.
Grendel: About 5'11", freckles, curly red hair and overweight. I imagine if Annie and Sasquatch had a bastard child, it would be Grendel. Also, apparently her real name is Gretta (I wasn't too far off). When she saw me she called me "Pampers". Clearly she was going to ridicule me with what happened last week. I'm going to continue to call her Grendel. She is still a beast of a woman.
We grabbed a table central to the karaoke stage and initially sat like we were at a junior high dance: boys on one side, girls on the other. As the night progressed and drinks were consumed, we started to mix things up and seemed to move our seats around after anyone sang. Things seemed to be going well until The Douche does what he does best.
The Douche: [Chugs a beer and then burps] Hey, you guys remember that time we did karaoke and Tom puked on stage while singing? It was EPIC. And then Nick had to go up and sing after him and you could see the mic still had puke bits on it. EPIIIIC!
Somehow Grendel was the only one who was amused by this. Disturbing.
Anyway, I sang songs by Journey, Ramones, and even a little Young MC. Tom sang Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam, and more Pearl Jam. The Douche sang the Bee Gees (enough said). The girls did what most girls do at karaoke and sang their songs together (just like when they go to the bathroom together. Weird.) They sang Britney (bleh!), Bon Jovi (yay!) and Lady Gaga (double bleh!). The only big surprise was when Sara opted to go up by herself and sing a song by Blondie (a blond singing a song by Blondie, how fitting.)
Eventually we all began to pair up at the table: Tom and Pam, Grendel and The Douche, and of course Sara and myself. I began my conversation with Sara by explaining what happened at the bar last week with me pissing myself. I just wanted to get that out of the way and make sure it was in the past. Apparently she thought Tom was kidding when he told them, but she still thought I seemed like a nice enough guy even if I had bladder control problems. She told me she teaches junior high math, lives with Pam and Grendel (the beast), and recently got out of a relationship (which is perfect for me since I am single andhorny looking). After about 30 minutes of talking between just the two of us, Sara decided to get straight to the point.
Sara: So are we going to keep up with the small talk or are you going to ask me out at some point tonight?
Me: Um... yes... I was planning on it... so... um... do you want to grab some dinner with me next week or something?
Sara: Do you promise not to pee your pants?
Me: I can say that I most definitely will probably not pee my pants.
Sara: I'm not really sure what that means, but I'm a gambler. Hand me your phone and I'll give you my number.
[Hand her my phone. She enters her contact info. Score 1 for the guy who peed himself.]
The night continued on with us making fun of all the good/bad/awful singers (which I'm pretty sure is the real reason anyone goes to karaoke) and a few rounds of tequila shots. As the night ended we all gave each other drunken hugs goodbye (even Grendel) and I got a little peck on the cheek from Sara (*blushing*). So now I wait the standard 3 days to call Sara and work out the details of our first date. I'm keeping my fingers and bladder crossed that it'll go well.
Wish me luck.
The Douche went to high school with us and also now works with me at the music store. Beyond the obvious reason for nicknaming him "The Douche" (last name) the nickname really fits his persona. Ever known someone who burps and farts in front of girls when you are trying to pick them up? Ever known someone who likes to bring up the most embarrassing stories about you in front of strangers? That guy, my friends, is Steve Dooshe.
When we arrived at the Oceanside and found the girls, I finally got to see what they really looked like since it was a little hard to tell in the previous poorly lit bar.
Sara: About 5'6" which is perfect for me since I am 5'10". Her medium length blond hair rested comfortably on her shoulder and curled a bit at the end. She was wearing skinny jeans that showed off her ass and a shirt-sweater-wrap thing up top (I'm a guy, what do I know about clothes). If I had to guess, I'd say her chest is probably a C or D cup, but with all those push-up padded bras these days, who can really tell without asking (I'm not asking).
Pam: Very similar in body and shape to Sara but with, perhaps, slightly smaller boobs. She wore a skirt and Ugg boots that showed off just enough of her legs to make you realize how nice they were. They might be nicer than Sara's.
Grendel: About 5'11", freckles, curly red hair and overweight. I imagine if Annie and Sasquatch had a bastard child, it would be Grendel. Also, apparently her real name is Gretta (I wasn't too far off). When she saw me she called me "Pampers". Clearly she was going to ridicule me with what happened last week. I'm going to continue to call her Grendel. She is still a beast of a woman.
We grabbed a table central to the karaoke stage and initially sat like we were at a junior high dance: boys on one side, girls on the other. As the night progressed and drinks were consumed, we started to mix things up and seemed to move our seats around after anyone sang. Things seemed to be going well until The Douche does what he does best.
The Douche: [Chugs a beer and then burps] Hey, you guys remember that time we did karaoke and Tom puked on stage while singing? It was EPIC. And then Nick had to go up and sing after him and you could see the mic still had puke bits on it. EPIIIIC!
Somehow Grendel was the only one who was amused by this. Disturbing.
Anyway, I sang songs by Journey, Ramones, and even a little Young MC. Tom sang Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam, and more Pearl Jam. The Douche sang the Bee Gees (enough said). The girls did what most girls do at karaoke and sang their songs together (just like when they go to the bathroom together. Weird.) They sang Britney (bleh!), Bon Jovi (yay!) and Lady Gaga (double bleh!). The only big surprise was when Sara opted to go up by herself and sing a song by Blondie (a blond singing a song by Blondie, how fitting.)
Eventually we all began to pair up at the table: Tom and Pam, Grendel and The Douche, and of course Sara and myself. I began my conversation with Sara by explaining what happened at the bar last week with me pissing myself. I just wanted to get that out of the way and make sure it was in the past. Apparently she thought Tom was kidding when he told them, but she still thought I seemed like a nice enough guy even if I had bladder control problems. She told me she teaches junior high math, lives with Pam and Grendel (the beast), and recently got out of a relationship (which is perfect for me since I am single and
Sara: So are we going to keep up with the small talk or are you going to ask me out at some point tonight?
Me: Um... yes... I was planning on it... so... um... do you want to grab some dinner with me next week or something?
Sara: Do you promise not to pee your pants?
Me: I can say that I most definitely will probably not pee my pants.
Sara: I'm not really sure what that means, but I'm a gambler. Hand me your phone and I'll give you my number.
[Hand her my phone. She enters her contact info. Score 1 for the guy who peed himself.]
The night continued on with us making fun of all the good/bad/awful singers (which I'm pretty sure is the real reason anyone goes to karaoke) and a few rounds of tequila shots. As the night ended we all gave each other drunken hugs goodbye (even Grendel) and I got a little peck on the cheek from Sara (*blushing*). So now I wait the standard 3 days to call Sara and work out the details of our first date. I'm keeping my fingers and bladder crossed that it'll go well.
Wish me luck.
So... yeah... that happened.
Last Thursday I'm having dinner at the Local Beer Pub (that is actually the name of the bar, but we call it the LBP) and hanging with Tom while he works. Tom is one of bartenders there so he usually hooks me up with free drinks and food, which saves me from having to cook for myself and eating alone. I usually sit at the bar which has a conveniently located mirror behind it that allows me to people watch in the reflection without being creepy. Lucky for me, about half way through my evening, a group of girls sat at the table behind me: a smoking hot blonde, an equally attractive brunette, and a Sasquatch (not literally, but she looked like a beast of a woman). Other than Sasquatch, these girls clearly looked out of my league, so I proceeded to ogle them from a distance and keep to myself, but Tom had different plans.
So I'm getting up to go take a piss when Tom asks me to bring a few drinks over to the table of girls in order to save him the trip. Naturally I was interested in the prospect of being near the girls, let alone talking to them, even if it was to just bring them their drinks. Just as soon as I get to the table, Tom comes up behind me and says to the girls, "This is Nick. He just bought you these drinks. You should ask him to join you."
ASSSSSSSHOOOOLE!!!
So yeah, Tom tricked me into talking to the girls. Not necessarily a bad thing since I wouldn't have started up a conversation by myself. The girls asked me to join them and it turns out the girls had names, as most do. The hot blonde, the one that peaked my interest, was named Sarah, but without an h, so it was just Sara. Don't know why I'm explaining that, but whatever, I typed it already. The equally attractive brunette was named Pam and their "friend" was name Grendel (I don't really remember what her name was, but it seemed fitting. Did I mention she was a beast of a woman? Also, it was pretty clear she didn't want me talking to her friends.)
I found out that Sara and Pam are teachers. Grendel eats villagers or works at a bank or something like that for a living. The girls were talking about music (Hey, I work at a music store!) and shopping (Hey, I hate shopping!) and some other girly stuff that I couldn't really relate to. They also said that they do karaoke on Wednesday nights at a dive bar up the road and, most importantly, they invited me to join them next week. (KACHING!) Sara then asked me what kind of music I'd sing. I told her I prefer to do 80s and 90s rock and metal. (POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!) And then… it happened…
Sara: Sing something for us now.
Me: In the middle of the bar without music? Nah.
Sara: Come on. You know you want to.
Me: You'll just have to wait until Wednesday.
Sara: Do it or I'll tickle you.
Me: Wait. What?
Do you remember where I was headed before Tom asked me to bring the drinks over to these girls? I was heading to the bathroom to pee and that was 2 HOURS AGO. Do you know what happens when you really need to pee and someone proceeds to tickle you mercilessly? So… yeah… I pissed myself.
As soon as I felt it coming out, I ran to the men's room, but I knew there was a good chance that the ladies saw my jeans darken with a wet line as pee started running down my leg. Not attractive.
I obviously couldn't go back to the girls, so I cleaned myself up as best as I could and had to make a discreet exit. I asked a fellow bathroom patron to grab Tom for me so he could sneak me out the kitchen exit. Luckily he did, even if he was laughing hysterically the entire time. I asked Tom to apologize to the girls for me leaving in such a hurry and to make up a reason why (don't tell them I pissed myself) and he agreed to (he told them I pissed myself.)
ASSSSSSSHOOOOLE!!!
Maybe I blew my chances with Sara. Maybe not. I obviously probably can't do anything more embarrassing than I've already done. Tom and I are going to meet up with the girls for karaoke on Wednesday and, hopefully, I can redeem myself. (Maybe I'll win her over with a power ballad. Girls like power ballads. I think.) I guess we'll see.
Please allow me to introduce myself...
What is the meaning of life? I suppose I could look it up in a dictionary, but that kind of feels like cheating. My name is Nicholas Nobody, but everyone calls me Nick. I know my name sounds like it belongs to a cartoon or comics character, but I've learned to live with it. If you can think of a joke or a pun to go along with my name, I've probably heard it already.
"Ignore him, he's Nobody." – Rimshot!
"Nobody likes you." – Sends the wrong message to the ladies.
"Someday Nobody will become somebody." – LAME.
Anyway, here's what you should know about me. I'm 25 years old, never went to college, and work in a music/comic book store. I've never really been one for books or school, but luckily for me I won a million dollars on a scratch ticket I got for high school graduation. KAH-CHING! With the money I moved out of my parents' place and purchased a small house. I live there with my buddy Tom, who I'm sure I will talk about plenty on this blog thing in the future. A good chunk of the remaining funds I invested in the music/comic store company I work for (which was working out great until iTunes came along).
There's really only one thing missing in my life – a girl. I've dated off and on over the years, but never really seem to make it work. I kind of have a knack for destroying relationships in an epic manner… sometimes before it even starts (more on this later).
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. Next week I'll start telling you my tales of epic failure starting with the girl I just met (and how I probably blew it already).
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